I was so proud of myself for creating sections for astrology, tarot, and workouts, but the more I look at them, the more I don't want to look at them.
Putting up my own sections is forcing me to be honest about how I've felt about astrology for a while. I remember being so frustrated in high school when I would read the descriptions of my astrological placements. I'm fussy and analytical, I'm emotionally possessive, I'm serious before my time--sure, all true, but so were a bunch of other things that didn't show up in my chart, anywhere, like that I'm *intense*, I make quick connections, and I'm very intuitive. If anything, I think the reason I started looking so deeply into astrology is because I wanted to find myself, and I thought that if I looked into some of the more arcane aspects, I would.
Astrology does do a good of describing many of the people I know, except for all of the aspects of their personalities that it misses.
As for Tarot, I have had some readings that have made my breath seize because they've been so accurate and even predictive, but then I've had many more that just don't apply. And while I try very hard not to use it as fortune telling, more as a thought of the day, sometimes certain thoughts just aren't helpful, particularly when they're the cards of Grief, Theft, Hubris, or PTSD. Would the universe really be worried that I don't think about those things enough?
But honestly, the most painful of all to look at has been workouts. Again, I have nothing but good things to say about instructor Lucy Wyndham-Read, and if you're into video workouts, you will do well by her. But the reason I changed my page is because she's primarily on YouTube, and I've finally had enough of them. I went looking for instructors who were on other platforms, and I was confronted with many smug people who don't appreciate that their ability to regularly exercise and eat healthfully is a privilege. Yes--it does work!--but if people aren't doing that, it's not because they're stupid or lazy. And once I excluded people who were antivaxxers, racist, on Nazi platforms, or had a lousy grasp of science (which includes evolution...), there just weren't a lot.
And then...why have I been so into mind-body fitness? Some of it was just when I was of age and what was accessible and available, but some of it might be some quasi-religiosity. I have wanted to "connect" to something, and yoga and qigong were a way to make myself...capable? of doing so. That isn't who I am now. I believe in focused breathing, I believe in the relaxation response, but I don't believe in chakras or meridians. I just don't, and there is a level at which belief--faith--is genuinely required.
This is to say nothing of the ways in which the fitness industry, which is intertwined with the "wellness" industry, is so corrupted. We really do need to move our bodies, it's not a lie that it helps with longevity and overall health, but general health isn't what's being sold. It's the promise of beauty and youth and desirability and Being All That You Can Be. And you--yes, you--want it because you have been told that you are not good enough.
There is one thing I can tell you for definite sure, and that is that you will never satisfy your bullies to the point that they will leave you alone. Capitulating to the point that you are willing to change your habits and adopt their standards makes them hungrier for more concessions.
All to say that I'm going to take those sections of my site down soon. Don't worry--I will be working on my posture and trying to get in as much activity as I can. But I don't think I'm going to do with video workouts or even books for quite some time, not to mention looking at my birth chart or pulling tarot cards.
← Back to the blog